When I hear someone talk and what they are saying raises alarm bells in me because I have a different point of view, I was trained to debate, judge and do my best to prove the other wrong. The result? I imagined myself as righteous, on the right side, and intelligent as I smugly sat alone in my corner of the universe. It’s not a very appealing practice and horrible for one’s social life.
What I’ve learned over the last 25 years with the practice of Nonviolent Communication, is to remember that behind whatever particular strategy another person is advocating is a beautiful need that I am completely in alignment with. When my old judgmental voices start to speak, I switch tracks to curiosity about the person speaking.
There’s a simplicity to it even if it can be hard in practice. I look at the other person and think, ‘Just like me, they are searching for______________” and I focus my curiosity on trying to fill in the blank. If I start with an assumption that we all share universal human needs (like safety, contribution, choice, dignity, learning, etc.) and everything someone says or does is an attempt to meet that need, then all I have to do to start connecting with someone with whom I disagree is to be curious about what need they value in this moment. “Just like me, I wonder if they are searching for_________” and I fill in the blank with a need that I think they might be trying to meet by the strategy that they are proposing.
For example, if someone says, “I’m going to build a 12 foot wall around my house and sleep with a gun beside my bed,” I might think, “Just like me, I wonder if they are looking for ways to be safe.” I can relate to the yearning to be safe. I want that, too. I want that for everyone. Even if I don’t like or agree with the strategy they are using to be safe, I can agree that safety is really important. I might prefer or practice a different strategy like inviting my neighbors into my yard for games or food so we can get to know each other. I might think personal connection builds trust and makes us safer. My strategy may sound crazy to the other person and they may think there’s no way that what I do will create safety. We probably have different life experiences that lead us to our different positions.
Knowing we are both attempting to tend to the same important need changes something. It’s easier to see the humanity of one another and harder to dehumanize/ objectify each other. We no longer seem like we come from different planets even though our strategies are polar opposites. We are more likely to engage with some curiosity in a conversation about how to create safety in ways that might incorporate both perspectives. Perhaps a new strategy will emerge that is more effective than any of the originals. Maybe neither of us will change how we act, but at least we will know why we cling to our strategies and there will be more understanding between us.
And that simple practice closes the gap in understanding between us a little bit. The more I listen and hear what is important to another, the smaller the gap grows. As the gap closes, the opportunity for us to live together in harmony grows, our respect grows, and we are less likely to harm each other.
To learn and practice skills to dialogue across differences, join us at the Reimagine
What’s Possible retreat March 18-25, 2027.
